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Cheap Shot Review Of Gravity

Cheap Shot Review Of Gravity

THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS SPOILERS FROM THE FIRST SEVEN SECONDS OF GRAVITY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD RUN AND DO NOT LET YOURSELF BE SPOILED

My wife and I really, really did enjoy watching Gravity, but several days of non-stop ranting has caused my wife to ban me from talking about it anymore, so I turn to you. After all, the internet is a loving, non-judgmental safe space.

First off, Ive read articles seriously saying that Gravity would ignite new interest in space travel. No. Thats like saying Jaws would make everyone want a pet shark. Gravity is the last shovel of dirt on the grave of space travel. Its the science fiction equivalent of your parents telling you that, yes, in fact, they really did get divorced because of you.

This will never, ever be you.

But the part that Im fixated on is how, at some point, they remembered that they needed to give Sandra Bullocks character an actual character, so they saddled her with a dead, young, tragically dead daughter.

(Just a thought. Wouldnt it have been so much better to give her a live daughter, and she couldnt talk to her because of the loss of communications? It would have given Sandras adventure real stakes. Even better, it would have given her moving conversation with the Chinese ham radio guys an actual point. She could have tried to break the language barrier to tell them to record what she is saying ("Record? Tape?" "Tape!" "Yes! Tape!") so she could send a last message to her child. Again, just a thought. Though I am right.)

But then, when they needed to decide how Bullocks daughter died, and this is the point where I had to ask three people just to make sure I didnt hallucinate it, it turns out that the kid died when she fell down playing tag.

Yes, Im not kidding. When she said that, I lost a full minute of space suspense thinking, "No, I couldnt have heard that right." I mean, sure, it is technically possible. (Not really. I mean, Ive been a parent quite a while now, and its not like the dead kids are stacked up like cordwood by the side of playgrounds from tag and monkeyshines-related fatalities.) But the point isnt possibility, its choosing something that doesnt take people out of the moment. Kids get eaten by lions all the time, but if Bullock said thats what happened to her daughter, isnt there at least a chance you would have said, "Say what now?"

And then his spine snapped like the stem of a Waterford crystal wine glass.

So the conversation actually went something like this.

Sandra Bullock: "My daughter died playing tag. Fell down and hit her head. Just one of those things that happens."
George Clooney: "[Laconic Chuck Yaeger imitation.]"
Random Non-White Guy: "Guys, look! A wrench traveling at 20000 miles an hour!" [DIES]

Actually, I would have written something like this:

Sandra Bullock: "My daughter died playing tag. Fell down and hit her head. Just one of those things that happens."
George Clooney: "No. No, it isnt."
Random Non-White Guy: "Wrench!" [DIES]

But my dream version would be something like this:

Sandra Bullock: "My daughter died playing tag. Fell down and hit her head. Just one of those things that happens."
George Clooney: "What? She died playing tag? Who taught kids in Illinois how to play tag? You do know that, when tagging someone, a light-to-medium-firm touch of the fingers is all that is required. You dont use a bat. You dont need to give the other kid a donkey punch in the back of the freakin head."
Random Non-White Guy: "Wait. What did she say?"
George Clooney: "She says her daughter died playing tag."
Random Non-White Guy: "Seriously!? Where was she playing tag? The Thunderdome!?" [DIES]

Or maybe just:

George Clooney: "So, Ryan, whos waiting for you back home?"
Sandra Bullock: "Um, can this wait until Space isnt trying to kill us?"
Random Non-White Guy: [DIES]

Please, please let me know if I start to overthink this.